Today, it was third last day in Adelaide Fresh. I woke up a bit early than usual. Actually, I couldn’t sleep for whole night. Just feeling sigh! I thought all parts of my life, forward and backward. In bed, was just laying down thinking about me and my time in Adelaide Fresh. I was thinking about what made me to leave the job suddenly. I knew, it will be very costly for me. But still I made decision and once I decided I wouldn’t go back. So, sometime, I think that I am really spontaneous decision maker who doesn’t care about the consequences that might come thru.

In my life, I did many spontaneous decision many times. When I was in high school, I left my science discipline only because of my ego. Yes, really, this my ego slowly grew up with passage of time and it became a very dangerous virus for me. When I was in Tribhuvan University, I liked a girl and when I couldn’t get her, I switched my school. When, I was teaching in Damauli and found that some of teachers don’t like me due to my non alcoholic nature, I nearly left the job.

When I remember my past, this virus is inevitably staying in every instance. I just don’t care about the outcome and do whatever my heart says good for me. yes, I always decide my good and bad from my heart not from my mind and she was right,

I still remember, she said to me, ‘Milan you think from heart and I think from mind!’, when, I propose her for the first time in my life, and said her, ‘Kala, I love you very much more than anything and anyone in the world! My heart will always beat for you till my final breath no matter wherever I live and you live in the world!’ That was final day with her and she was my first love, can anyone imagine? I was leaving her and purposing her at the same time which was my first love? So stupidness! After six month, she got married with someone and thereafter I never heard about her. And yea, I still remember her and feel sigh!

Her beauty was my chemistry but I left both. But why did I do such stupid spontaneous decisions? If I used to love chemistry, why didn’t I continue it and changed my faculty? If I loved her that much, why couldn’t i convince her that I was the right person for her?

Yes, now, fear comes on me. The FEAR! That ate me all the time. But what is actually the fear is for? And what is my fear?

Well, it is very hard to describe the nature of my FEAR and as usual, I go on same point. The parallel concept of life, death and life and it made me desperate to find questions about life and death in more and more depth.

When, I do study about life, I often used to find out some weird and strange outcomes. Surprisingly, I do research each day in everyone’s face. Cathy is pretty, but I compare her with one old lady who is wrinkled and with very weak body (example). Everyone thinks she is very hot and yes she is! But why can’t I see her as hot, Stunning and more….

I really swear no one does this kind of stupid analysis other than I do. I just eliminate the concept of time and put everyone in one straight line of birth and death and do study on them.

Actually, the root of problem is my view. When someone compares life with one fruit on a plant, isn’t it weird? Sometimes, I surprise on my dimensional perception. Thousands theories from big bang to String theory, I just can’t fit my dimensions. They say, three dimensions, and four dimensions, (including time), and 14-dimensions and so on. But if someone thinks from thousands of dimensions or infinite level of dimensions then what’s next? Oh! Yea! I have got infinite level of dimensions!! I can’t see one person as person and compare with every aspect and possibility of surroundings. He is rich! Again, if he is rich, who are Bill Gates and Warren Buffett? Are they taking money with them? Warren is richest person in the world. But is he in the space? No, he is also in the earth. He also needs two feets space in earth. Then who is rich?

He is landlord? Really! How big is his land, ask him showing atlas where his land lies?

I don’t know I am addicted to theological concept or not! But one thing is sure; I am pursuing new age and new definitions!

Gita, an ethical religious book of Hindu says, ‘why do you feel fear of loss if nothing belongs to you?’ yes, from many aspects, there’s bitter truth and we always ignore that. We start making assumptions and feel that, that is my language, my culture, and my religion.

Now misunderstanding starts in between infinite number of languages, cultures and religions. Again, I found it really funny when I went to depth level of these fundamental aspects of society. Language is just symbol conveying messages from one object to another subject. Culture is transformation of civilization of human being and religion is symbol of unification of human in one to make pursue final aspect of life or spirit.

Now, how come, questions of yours and mine came? You have adopted it but it does not mean that it is yours! You are only follower of the existing system. Most of people believe in supreme power of God, but the funny thing here is they even can’t speak son of God’s (Jesus) language. Let it put in this way, if someone can speak Hebrew, he is more powerful and almighty than another catholic who can’t speak?

Darwin was arguable correct in many aspects, particularly on ‘adaptation’ and ‘survival for the existence’. I also strongly believe in his perception/hypothesis of evolution theory. But when question comes about the humanity and concept of universal unity, I feel that we are ignoring inevitable aspects of nature and universe. We are trying to pursue very short term benefit dividing ourselves in yours and mine.

When I started working in Adelaide Fresh, I found same people I used to see back in home. Dave is just like my father, not much difference! He has been working in one place for years. He celebrates Christmas and New Year in same way like my father does back in home. Only difference is my father speaks Nepalese language and he speaks English. My father works for family and he also works for his family. Then, look at more closer, what’s the difference in between them? Nothing! Nothing at all! Both want their family happy all the time.

So, I couldn’t see any proper use of Darwin’s theory on the context of humanity and universal welfare. Oh sorry! Actually, Darwin gave only hypothesis, and that is not a theory otherwise it is proved!

There’s one theory in physics, theory of elasticity. If something is very rigid and someone tries to bend it, it breaks on the contrary if substance is flexible, it bends easily. Same theory applies to us in humanitarian aspect. How can we bend and go to knee depends on how flexible we are. If two sides are equally rigid

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This was written in March 2009